Of Angels and Goddesses

Sitting alone here on Saturday night, I feel very content and happy with my life. I've had an exciting life, I've had my party stages, plenty of lovers, attention from more than enough men wanting to be my lovers. There has never been a dull moment. There have been good and bad times. Times when I was at rock bottom, but through it all I had plenty of assistance, plenty of protection. You know, I don't think there will ever be a time when I am lonely. My life is rich with family and friends, if anything I don't get enough time alone, and if anything I could only wish for my life to be calm and drama free. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The choice to stop dating was my own. I was tired of all the men chasing me, of all the men trying to own me, wanting me to be there porcelain doll on a glass shelf on display. I had kids to raise and I really couldn't do it the way I wanted if I was distracted with men and relationships. The girls would have rebelled like crazy anyway. So I quit dating and wondering when I would find the one.

At a certain point in my life i had awakened more spiritually and I found that "the one" at that point in time wasn't like anyone in this world. I can't go into detail really, not like anyone reads this anyway. But let's just say this life and this path are very different from most. There are circmstances here, that go back aeons, lifetimes and these are things I know to be true because the more I awaken the more I remember things from these lifetimes, in fact there are things I have remembered since I was very young. Sounds wierd? Anyone on the same page would somewhat understand. reuniting in this lifetime would depend on many things, I think I've found him, my psychic says I have, but that is something he will have to tell me becuase I can never impose my thoughts and ideas on anyone else. But regardless, though it would be nice to find him in this lifetime, if I don't I will still have lived a rich and full life. I am glad that I don't need a man to make my life worth living and complete. I have been single for 9 years now, and that time has taught me alot. I am glad that I know how to enjoy life, how to love myself, and in turn love those around me.

It's fun being able to do what ever I want when I want to. It's also fun being the fun, crazy grandma. Some women freak out when they become grandma's. They feel old etc. Well, people have a hard time believing i am a grandma, you are only as old as you feel. There is a such thing as enjoying middle age. Hopefully by this time we've experienced enough in our lives to gain lots of wisdom, and confidence. By this time I have realized that as I get older men still findme attractive. even though all the medication I was on for my lungs and stuff made me gain some weight that I am losing, men still think I am beautiful, and not just men my age, younger men. They like the confidence, they like the way I carry myself and they say I glow. So many have told me that they find that refreshing and sexy. They get tired of women who are jealous and childish and demanding of their attention every waking moment. So ladies, as we get older, if we are happy, confidant and are comfortable with our selves we are still considered attractive.

So as I work out, eat healthy and try to wash all the medication out of my system, dication that was suppose to save me but almost killed me. I smile knowing that I am comfortable with my age, and being a grandma. I will be 49 if a few months but hey, that's pretty damn young considering my spiritual age is alot older. Timeless...
Soon, all traces of medication will be gone,the unwanted weight will be gone, at least it was from medication and I don't have an addiction to the medication or food. That makes it easier to get back to normal. The yoga and deep breathing are actually healing all the damage done to my lungs from the chemicals frommy previous job.

In 2005 I worked for a semiconductor manufacturing plant. I worked in the ion implant area where we charge the microchip wafers with electronic ions. To do that gases such as arsine, phosphine and Boron are used. It was a very dangerous job, because of all the chemicals and gasses used to make microchips. Unless you have worked in a plant or have knowledge of the process used to make the wafwers and chips you have no clue how dangerous it can be. While training to join the emergency response team the fire department told us it is basically like working in a time bomb. I was a trainer and I was good in all the areas of implant and when ever there was an emergency i knew how important it was to drop everything and get out as fast as possible. I also realized that instead of running out to save myself I was the type of person who would be making sure everyone else was getting out safely.

When openings for the emergency response team became available I put in for it. There aren't many women on the team, and the men on the team don't want to be hampered by someone who can't make the grade. I had previous fire training when I worked for Proctor and Gamble so I was sure I would pass all the tests. The guy in charge of ERT was someone I had worked with for a while, he was cocky, with much attitude toward everyone, but I stood up to him and didn't backdown and from that point I had won as much respect as a woman can earn from Jack. I nicknamed him Gladys. We won't go into that. So I got the "do you know what you are getting into" speech from Jack, and I told him I had previous experience and not only did I want to join ERT i wanted to start out on First entry team if at all possible. Jack was impressed, that would be fine IF I passed the tests. I got fitted for my Gas mask and passed the Fit testing, learned how to do everything, got cetified, passed all the written tests with 100's. I even passed the smoke trailer test. That one was actuall y tough because we had to suit up in full chemical gear, oxygen hooked up and everything. We had to in pairs into a dark trailer full of smoke find our gas canister with our number on it and then find our way out. We were timed and we were also graded by how much oxygen we used. Obviously the faster you breathe the more you use, you can use up 30 minutes worth in 15 minutes if you panic. They also warned us that it is really easy to get disoriented in there and if you aren't out within a certain amount of time they'd come in and get you. Just getting in to the trailer was not going to be easy becuase I am only 5' tall and it was 100 degrees outside soit was hot in the chemical gear, and the oxygen was 50lbs on your back, and I need to do it quickly and easily with out using extra oxygen. It was actually easyier than I thought, When they shut the door of the trailer we were in total darkness except for a flashlight and even with that you could barely see infront of you, there were also obstacles in the way and it really was easy to get disoriented, it's kind of freaky cause your mind tries to play games. So my partner Steve led the way in we had to hold hands so we didn't lose each other, we found the canister which was heavy and I led the way out. Steve was getting a bit disoriented and I was using my meditation breathing, concentrating and centering it was not easy. So we got out and we actually did the best, I still had 15 minutes of oxygen. It was rough. Anyway, ERT was cool, I really loved it and was considering becoming a firefighter, I had signed up for the courses at the local college and then we had the chemical exposure with the Boronand Arsine gasleaks. My lungs got really messed up and I had to get another job. My doc said either you quit or you'll die. So up until recently I was on all sorts of steroid treatments etc. But a friend mentioned yoga and it has done wonders. So anyway that is how I got so sick and gained some weight. I was a little dissaointed abiout not being able to become a firefighter because I have always been really good in emergencies but I got over it. I really loved it though.
Well this has gone on long enough. This is the 1st time I've really written about what happened to my lungs.
Gotta go clean, Excuse any typo's.
Kisses,
Maria